March 27, 2024

Breakups are amongst the most painful experiences anyone goes through in this life. The sense of rejection and loss can feel so overpowering, that many people become overwhelmed and unsure about how to cope. The relationship that was once your source of hope, joy, and comfort is now the source of hurt, sadness, and intense pain.  

In this article, I will look at 5 things you can do to help you recover from a breakup in a way that helps you get through it, move forward, and come out on the other side of the journey more whole and empowered. 

What is the difference between simply coping with a breakup and breakup recovery?

Before we get to the specifics of how to care for yourself during and after a breakup, let me first take a moment to define what I mean by the words coping and recovery. Coping is a short-term protective mechanism we use to get through a tough moment, but it doesn’t serve long-term change. If you experience high amounts of anxiety or lots of sadness and depression, you may find yourself coping by going on social media or watching endless videos on YouTube. Or maybe you stay busy with work, tasks, or social activities. These avoidance strategies are not bad in and of themselves and are necessary at times to manage through hard moments. Yet, in the long term, it will be important to develop an approach to face and process painful emotions, to become more aware of yourself, and to find ways to care for yourself that help support long-term emotional health.

How to get through a breakup without breaking down

• Notice what you feel

This is harder than it sounds. Noticing what you feel requires that you slow down and sit with your emotions long enough to be curious about them. When you are in the midst of pain and heartache, it can be very challenging to do this. In noticing what you feel, you will find that your body, your heart, and your mind are all affected. You may notice sensations in your body, that though unpleasant, give you important information about what you are experiencing. For example, you might notice your chest is heavy, you have a lump in your throat, or your stomach is churning. These are all indicators of sadness and fear that land inside your body in these visceral ways. You might notice thoughts and images that fill your mind and make it difficult to sleep or concentrate. Without judging yourself, see if you can notice these feelings and how they manifest. Give yourself the patience of a kind and caring parent or friend who is there to help you understand yourself better.

• Allow for what you feel

Once you notice your feelings and sensations without judgment, see if you can allow yourself to feel and experience them without immediately distracting yourself or pushing them away. Typically, breakups activate deep-seated feelings of shame, insecurity, sadness, and anger. Other losses, such as losses from childhood, and implicit negative beliefs about ourselves get activated. Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions after a painful loss is part of a letting go process that is very similar to the stages of grief. This is often done best in the presence of a safe, understanding, empathetic other.

• Find safe others 

One of the most scary and painful things about breakups is that they trigger deep fears of being all alone in the world. Grieving your loss in the presence of an understanding, kind, empathetic other person greatly helps minimize this part of the pain. A therapist trained in relationships and grounded in attachment theory can help you not only feel heard but also help you sort out, reflect upon, and connect with parts of you that may never have gotten the attention they deserve. In doing this work, you will find that not only will you heal more quickly from your loss, but you will find you now have new tools for being with yourself and for moving forward in your next relationship.

• Reflect on who YOU are

It’s a truth about romantic relationships that much of your own identity will be defined by your relationship. This means that when the relationship ends, it will take some time to identify and own who you are outside of the relationship. What do you like to do? What do you value? What would you enjoy if no one else were able to engage in that activity with you? As you go through the letting go process, begin to wonder about this and to try different things out. If you lost your sense of self in your previous relationship, or your partner was the one who made many of the decisions, it might take more time to identify these aspects of yourself. 

• Do what feels nurturing and energizing

Finally, during this grieving process, give yourself time and grace. Depending on how long your relationship lasted, it can take anywhere from several weeks to several months, to a year or longer to feel healed and strong enough to move forward into the next phase of your life. Give yourself ample room to feel your feelings, to rest, and to exercise. Eat healthy and nurturing foods, and treat yourself to foods that comfort you, too. Engage your senses in positive cues that activate your sense of safety and well-being. Some people find the smell of citrus, florals, or clean scents like soap to be calming. Soft and warm clothing, soothing lighting, and outdoor air can all add to the sense of calm that your body and mind need during this difficult time.

Going through a breakup is not an easy process. In fact, it is one of the most difficult emotional experiences any of us will ever go through. While the pain cannot be avoided, how you interact with your pain can make the difference in whether you come out the other side of the breakup stronger, with some new insights and ways of relating to yourself, or reactively looking for a way out of the pain. Because strong emotions and deep wounds are often activated by a relationship ending, getting the help of a therapist trained in relationships and relationship recovery is one of the best ways to break old patterns and to find hope and help.

Please reach out to me for a free 15-minute phone call to see if I might be able to help you as you work through your loss to find stability, strength, and hope.