What is a Secure Relationship?

5/28/2024

These days, people are so much more aware than their parents and grandparents were about child development and how our earliest relationships impact a child’s felt sense of security. Traumatic experiences and emotional neglect impact children greatly and set the stage for insecurity later in adult romantic relationships. Maybe you are one of the many, many people who have experienced fear and insecurity in your relationships due to an insecure attachment. You may find it challenging even to imagine what a secure relationship would be like. Hopefully, by the time you read through this article, you will have a better idea about what makes a relationship secure and how you might be able to achieve one yourself.

So… What is a Secure Relationship?

A secure relationship is one in which both partners are available, responsive, and engaged. Each partner can reach for the other when in distress, reveal their vulnerability, and respond in kind when their partner is in need. A secure relationship is not one absent of conflict. I repeat, there is conflict in secure relationships! However, when there is conflict, secure partners can repair the relationship in a way that both partners feel seen and heard. 

Why is Security in a Relationship Important?

Numerous studies reveal that human beings do not do well when they are not connected to others in meaningful relationships.  We are, by nature, social. From the moment we are born to the moment we die, human beings need others for love, companionship, and a sense of belonging in the world. You may have experienced the pain and anxiety associated with isolation and disconnection from those you care about. When this disconnection and isolation persists, either in the form of distance and coldness or in the form of high escalation and fighting, your nervous system will be sending you signals that things are not safe or secure. This basic need for safety and security with others is so important that when the need is met, it calms your brain and nervous system to a relaxed state. It sends the message that it is ok to be social, empowers you to be creative, and enables you to be empathetic. It also gives you the energy to tackle all kinds of problems. Conversely, if you are finding yourself in a state of disconnection and distress, your nervous system will feel less relaxed and calm, will reduce your capacity to be social and creative, and may reduce your ability to join others in their pain or to solve other problems. 

One Example of an Emerging Secure Relationship

Mark and JoAnne represent one kind of couple I have often seen in therapy. When they first began therapy, they loved each other dearly, and had many wonderful moments together, but stated that about 10 percent of the time their relationship “went south” into toxic fighting. During that 10 percent, Mark and JoAnne became deeply discouraged and they both began to wonder if they would be able to continue staying married. Mark would often withdraw and feel inadequate to make JoAnne happy. JoAnne would feel very alone in those moments, and her desperation for a deeper connection would build into criticism and complaints.

As we worked together over many weeks, Mark and JoAnne began to identify that, although both had the best of intentions and hearts of love for the other, they often did and said things that had a painful impact on the other, which then set off a whole series of events that were predictable and landed them into a place of insecurity and disconnection from one another. These behaviors were only the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, both had attached meanings to the other’s behaviors that often reinforced their disconnection. Additionally, there were emotions and needs that had never been expressed or understood. 

With the help of their therapist who slowed things down, Mark and JoAnne were able to get in touch with emotions like sadness and fear underneath their anger and negative behaviors. By sharing these soft parts of themselves with their partner, each of them began to understand one another and feel understood and accepted. The connection they desired began to feel more tangible and real because they both began to feel safe to share and to risk, knowing their partner would respond with acceptance and care. Mark and JoAnne’s relationship was no longer marked by periods of deep wounding. They were able to slow down their reactivity and share with one another in real-time, the way they did in therapy with the support of their therapist. Mark and JoAnne were changing their relationship from one marked by insecurity to one of earned security.

Closing

As you read about the couple in the example above, do you recognize any familiar parts in your own relationship? Do you ever feel discouraged, or maybe even hopeless about finding safety and security although you have worked so hard to get there? If that is the case, I want you to know that your experience is one that deserves to be seen and heard. You deserve to be understood, to be accepted, and to know that you belong. Deep down, both you and your partner want the same things. A secure relationship is one that may have to be fought very hard to achieve, but it is often achievable when all the ingredients are present: a willingness to tap into your emotions and realities, a desire to change, and a heart to work on your part of the relationship. 

I encourage you to contact me today for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit for helping you build your secure relationship.

Sources: 

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base. Routledge.

https://relationshipschool.com/what-is-the-definition-of-secure-attachment/

Johnson, S. 2008. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown.

Estes Powell, Jennine; Wielick, Jacqueline. Help for High-Conflict Couples: Using Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Science of Attachment to Build Lasting Connection. New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.